shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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