Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
