FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
