when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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