I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
God, I missed his penis.
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