The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize