I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
my poor anus
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
