After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize