He kissed a someone with a penis
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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