I want to make a zoo with you.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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