Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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