Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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