I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize