I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
