as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
