I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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