I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
