Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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