They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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