Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
