Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He felt like a one man threesome
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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