Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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