so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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