So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
