You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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