my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
