I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
