he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
