Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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