I wish my penis had an off switch
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
