Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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