well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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