Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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