And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize