She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I would fuck him just for his dog
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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