There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
