Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
