I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
