im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
