Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
