sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
