There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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