I just made out with a guy for $7.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Panties = found
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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