We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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