Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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