oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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