you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
