My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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