alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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