He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
