You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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