Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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