I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
