I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
