Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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