Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That accounts for only three of the penises
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize