Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
