i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
