This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
