Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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