Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize