I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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