My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We were destined to go to rehab together
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize