I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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