how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize