mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
