why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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