Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's blow job season.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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