My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I can't put those talents on a resume
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
