I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
