I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
