why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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